I. Was. Here.

Since I read the book, I never forgot Finch.

WARNING: Do not read if you want to watch the film cos I might say something that might ruin your excitement.

We all know that five years ago, I had a miscarriage. I was so broken that I almost kept myself in our room all day. I was so confused I did not know what to do or how to move on. I honestly thought I was never going to move on.

While I was on leave, I remember a book a friend recommended. All the Bright Places. I had no idea what it was all about until I read it. From the beginning, I got hooked with the story. Can you believe I was able to finish it in two days? Two days – but that was long enough for me. I cried hard as I finished the book. Not because it’s the end, but because of Finch.

Today, it was released  in Netflix. Another friend said it isn’t as good as the book but of course, I watched it. And yes, I still cried.

Truth is, I’m not really sure if the timing is right both when I read it and when I watched it.

When I read the book, I was broken. Maybe I wasn’t too depressed to end my life but I felt so much heaviness then and the book somehow made me feel better. Maybe there’s something about Finch that was similar to me – we both had that feeling of messing up with everything. We both felt dark, lost, freak and fucked up. Kaya siguro naka-relate ako. But I felt it when Finch dove deep into the water. I felt sad, like I was a close friend of him. Siguro din, it helped that I felt the pain when he died and cried. Para bang ninamnam ko na may nawala din sakin and nakapag release ng emptiness ko that time. Kaya hindi ko na talaga yun nakalimutan. And I was expecting so much from this na finally, it’s going to be filmed!

Watching the film now, it felt different, though. What I have now is fear. Since my father, I have always felt an unexplainable fear inside of me about death. Kaya parang na-trauma lang ako lalo na napanood ko siya.

All the Bright Places is a movie about depression. True enough, when you are going through something, being there for other people somehow makes you feel better. You make yourself available because truth is, you secretly hope someone else does for you. Pero totoo yun, you try to fix other people by staying on their side and giving them unconditional love even when you are breaking into pieces deep inside. There are people kasi who doesn’t know how to express themselves lalo pag may pinagdadaanan. Hindi nila alam paano sasabihin, paano ilalabas. Sa totoo lang din kasi, even when people tell you that they will be there for you, wala e. Minsan din kasi nandun yung fear of being judged ot laughed at. So The only way is for you to talk to a professional.

I will always love the story. And Finch will forever be in my heart.

If you’re going to watch, i-feel mo. Maybe I’d appreciate it if was a real movie being shown in the cinema, ganon. Feeling ko kasi may kulang. Kaya ikaw na lang yung magbigay ng feels.

Or maybe, it’s just because the book was really, really GOOD! Kaya ganon.

So bago pa ako maging spoiler, I’m ending this now. So much feels lang about the story of Finch and I needed to let this out.

Guess I’d write another about it, palipas lang tayo ng konti kasi kaka-release lang niya today. Lels. Inabangan ko talaga kasi.

Ayun langs.

3 thoughts on “I. Was. Here.

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