BER months have started and most people are getting excited because BER months mean Christmas season. Some may have even started preparing their home for the yuletide season.

But how about us? How about me?

For the past years, I’ve been used to playing Christmas songs on the first day of September. Nakakatawa man, pero I look forward to BER months because it’s my favorite season. Malamig na e. December breeze is fast approaching. Time for gift shopping for my beloved pamangkins.

But everything changed since.. the day I lost my father. Well, it seems so.

The thought of December is fast approaching sends me chills. Honestly, hindi ko alam kung ano’ng mararamdaman ko. Pero one thing is for sure, this isn’t joy or excitement. It’s all sadness, grieve, loneliness and maybe even fear. It will be my dad’s first death anniversary and I can’t help but wonder how that day is going to be. Sa totoo lang, iniisip ko palang naiiyak na ako.

We attended mass today. Hindi kami linggo linggo nagsisimba. I don’t really ask why it happened so quick and unexpected pero I really felt like crying kanina. I had questions again. I want to ask God again. I know I shouldn’t be doing that, but for some reasons, I’m seeking an answer. Sorry, Lord, magulo ang isip ko ulit, akala ko ok na ako.

I was reading over the GC kanina. They were planning a Christmas party. It will be my first Christmas party after I stopped working and I honestly look forward to it. Pero yung excitement na dapat kong ma-feel is missing. I want to participate in the planning but I’m kind of heavy hearted about it, not even sure kung kaya ko talagang mag-celebrate.

Hindi ko alam if this is just one of those days. You know, I’m still grieving. I feel ok most of the time pero parang suprise! Bumubulaga nalang bigla yung anxieties ko. Ang bilis naman kasi ng araw. December na naman agad. Babalik na naman ako sa araw na yun.

Hindi ko alam, magulo talaga ang isip ko ngayon. I just need to write this down because this is the only way to escape this feeling. So if you are reading this, sorry for the malungkot vibe.

The start of BER months is supposed to be jolly. ’tis the season to be jolly, lalalalalaaaa. Pero right now, hindi ko mahanap yung masayang feels para maexcite for the coming of everyone’s favorite season.

Sorry po, Lord. I know I’m not supposed to ask because who I am to question you. Maybe I just miss him over again. Kung pwede ko lang i-wish na hindi dumaan yung December 9…

I miss you, Pa.

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