Please Bear With Me

It’s been a month today and it hurts hundred times more.

Truth is, each day I wonder if this is true. Each time I look around, I still hope I’d see his face. Even in the middle of the night, when I go downstairs to pee, I still wish I’d see him going to the bathroom or going back to bed, just as every night. The pain is unbearable and it’s just getting worse and worse each day.

Sorry to fill your feed with sad thoughts. I don’t mean to radiate this sadness to you, guys, but please, for one last time, allow me to let this feeling out as this already feels very, very heavy deep inside.

The past month was the hardest. I feel so shattered, so incomplete. The event that day were so vivid. I can still hear how mama cried over him that morning. It was so heartbreaking.

Saturday, December 09. I woke up almost nine the morning – a little late because it was a weekend. Everyone at home is expected to wake up a little late because it’s a weekend – no work, no school. My daughter is the only one to wake up early as she normally does. She and the mister went downstairs half past seven. At nine, they woke me up. We went downstairs to start the day. The first thing I did was go to the bathroom because I need to pee. On my way, I heard the mister and my mom talking about waking my father up so we can all have breakfast. As I opened the bathroom door, I heard my mom’s loud cry. My heart pounded, my whole body shivered. I ran to their room and found my mom crying over my father. He was pale, cold, and not breathing anymore. He had no pulse, either. We brought him to the nearest hospital. I was telling myself he was just in a deep sleep, that he would wake up with some medicines or IV. Few  minutes and the doctor was out giving us his watch. He’s already unresponsive. He’s..dead.

Everything seems so clear. The only thing unclear to me was why he left so early. We didn’t get any sign, not even a short goodbye from him. It happened so suddenly. Up to this moment, I still can’t believe it happened to us. I still have the hopes of seeing him somewhere. I want to believe that he’s just lost somewhere and would be home soon. Apparently, hindi yun ganun. 😦

I never imagined this will happen to us. It happened all of a sudden in my most favorite time of the year. That feeling when everybody’s on a holiday rush yet your world seemed to slow down. Physically, I want to cope up but my heart and mind is elsewhere. I am not doing anything nor is busy with stuffs but I am so occupied more than ever. You see I can’t even put up my thoughts here. Honestly.

We all know this day will come. We all know our lives will end eventually. But we didn’t know it’s as soon as today.

I am never the best daughter. We used to argue every single day over the silliest thing. He’s the best father but I never told him that. I always fall short of his expectations. I am sure, though, that I made him feel loved the best way I can. Believe me, I did my best to be a great daughter to him.

I miss him everyday of my life. I remember him in every single thing I do. I bring his memories in every place I go. There were times I’d suddenly feel like crying because I’d remember him.

I miss you, Pa, everyday. Lagi kong iniisip, had things change – I mean, the way we talk, how you fix stuffs that week, would it change everything? Would you still be here today? Had you known about our birthday surprise for you, mawawala ka pa ba? Pa, you’ve been doing things for us until your very last day here on earth. Sabi ko naman sa’yo wag ka na masyadong magkikilos e. Just leave it to us. But you always want to do things for us kasi that’s how you show your love for us. Pa, the house feels empty without you. The past month, parang nakakatamad lahat. Parang nakakawalang gana. Kasi wala ka na. When you were here, I often thought it’s boring because you and mama used to stay in your room almost the whole day. Now, it’s.. incomplete. I love you, Pa. I hope you always know that. 

 

14 thoughts on “Please Bear With Me

  1. It’s okay.. kahit ako.. ilang years na wala tatay ko pero pag nakakakita ako ng tatay na parang kasing edad ng tatay ko naiisip ko sya na-mi-miss ko sya tsaka naiiyak pa din ako pag naiisip ko sana nakakausap ko pa sya at nakikita. How much more sayo 1 month pa lang😔 I feel you.. pero kaya mo yan. ❤️

    1. If you can’t visit him at least make a video or even a simple call and tell him how much you love him. Me and my dad never said I love you 💔 may lambingan moments but not so often. Kaya do everything hangga’t andyan pa siya.

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