03102015: A Year After

“God will never leave you empty. He will replace everything you lost. If he asks you to put something down, it’s because He wants you to pick up something greater.” – a quote that will forever be in my mind.

True enough, He will always give you the best. He will always prepare you for the best. Learning that I was pregnant was a surprise. I had just moved to another company. Me and my husband plan to wait until I got regularized in the job before we have a child, so I can still help him provide for the family. Everything was planned.

Then we found out I was pregnant. It came a little early than we expected, but we were so happy. We were willing to adjust. There were change of plans.

But it all gone too soon. A week later after we confirm the pregnancy, we lost the baby.

It was devastating. It was really depressing. I spent about a few days crying myself to sleep, thinking what I have done to lose the baby. Was there something I said or something I done that I should have not? Was I cursed? I did not found the answer.

It was not easy. I distance myself from everything. I didn’t want to attend masses because I know I’d only cry which I didn’t want to. I would stay in my room and cry all day. I didn’t want messages from other people. I hate birthday greetings. I cry when I see babies.My heart breaks when I see pregnant women. I. was. Shattered.

Days, weeks, months passed. Slowly, I gave up finding the answer to my question and started to live my life again. Get back to the office, see some friends, go out of town were just some of the things I resorted to.  Thank God for supportive family and friends. I was healed by their love.

More than half a year later, I tested positive again. I took it as a ‘second chance’ to be a good mother and wife. This time, I made sure to give my full time taking care of myself for our baby.

It’s been a year today but everything was still vivid and clear. I still have the fear and I remember it all every day. But gone are the questions I used to ask myself. Let it be left unanswered. Maybe what’s going on right now is much better than the answer to my question.

What we have lost, God has given us something new and better. True, God’s plan is always better than ours. I still think of our little angel. I talk to her and ask for her guidance on my pregnancy which is, by the way, on our 21st week now.

Thank you, little angel, for taking part in the best moments in my life. You will always and forever be my first baby. ❤

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